🎬 What the 🤬 Did I Just Watch?
Ah, The Nice Guys (2016). A film that, by all Hollywood accounting rules, should have been a slam dunk. You’ve got Shane Black behind the camera, Ryan Gosling doing physical comedy, and Russell Crowe playing the heavy in 1970s Los Angeles. The trailers promised sharp banter, brutal action, and slick neo-noir comedy gold. I heard the whispers of critical acclaim, felt the gentle hum of cult classic hype, and finally hit play on Paramount+.
Now here I sit—bewildered, irritated, and feeling personally insulted that I wasted two hours of my life on this over-hyped, booze-soaked snoozefest. 🤦♂️
🧱 The Plot (Loosely Speaking)
Holland March (Ryan Gosling) is a bumbling private investigator who operates more like a low-rent con artist than a detective. Enter Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe), a hired enforcer whose primary conflict resolution strategy is breaking bones. The two reluctantly team up to find Amelia—a missing girl tied to a dead porn star, an experimental eco-political art film, and a massive auto-industry conspiracy in Detroit.
If that sounds like a headache, that’s because it is. The plot plays out like Alice in Wonderland if Alice was blacked-out drunk and the White Rabbit kept leading her into dead-end subplots that don’t pay off.
🤡 Cast & Crew (Or: The Enablers)
- Director: Shane Black (The culprit who forgot how to balance tone)
- Cast: Ryan Gosling, Russell Crowe, Angourie Rice, Matt Bomer
- Studio: Warner Bros. Pictures / Silver Pictures
🧪 The Breakdown
🎭 Acting – Expression or Exorcism?
On paper, pairing Gosling and Crowe is brilliant. In execution? Gosling’s portrayal of a perpetually intoxicated, high-pitched screaming detective crosses the line from endearing to excruciating within twenty minutes. Russell Crowe anchors his scenes with gruff gravitas, but even he can’t pull this sinking ship out of the Pacific. Angourie Rice (playing March’s daughter, Holly) is unironically the only adult in the room, but having a kid constantly babysit her drunk father isn’t hilarious—it’s just sad.
📝 Script – Shakespeare or Sh*tpost?
Shane Black’s sharp dialogue usually sizzles, but here the jokes hit like soggy cardboard. The overarching conspiracy—stopping a pornographic film that implicates the Detroit auto industry—is so absurdly banal by the third act that you completely lose investment. Key plot points, like hitmen randomly icing main targets without tension or build-up, feel less like dark subversion and more like lazy writing.
🎨 Visuals – Stylized or Sterilized?
The 70s aesthetic is present, but it feels like a theme party backdrop rather than a living, breathing era. The villain “Blue Face” looks like a cartoon reject rather than a legitimate threat, stripping any real stakes from the chase.
⏱️ Pacing – Thrill Ride or Nyquil?
116 minutes has rarely felt longer. Between erratic tonal shifts—jumping from slapstick wrist-breaking to brutal execution-style killings—the narrative momentum repeatedly grinds to a halt.
🧿 Dear Viewer…
Look, I know half the internet considers this a “slept-on masterpiece.” But unless your idea of comedic gold is watching Ryan Gosling squeal in a stall while holding a stall door open with a gun, save your time.
🎯 Who’s This For?
- People who think yelling equals punchlines.
- Die-hard Shane Black apologists.
- Anyone who wants to see 1970s LA filtered through an aggressive hangover.
Let me be clear: this isn’t just a critique. This is a verdict. If you’re looking for a Cinesist recommendation, here it is, plain and simple: Do not watch “The Nice Guys.” 🙅♀️ It wasn’t what it was cracked up (pun absolutely intended 😉) to be. It was, quite simply, a bad movie from beginning to end. 👎
From the get-go, the film establishes its premise: a bumbling private eye, Holland March (Ryan Gosling), who’s more of a professional scammer than a detective, and a hired enforcer, Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe), who prefers brute force over finesse. On paper, this is gold. ✨ In execution? Gosling’s portrayal of a perpetually drunk, utterly ineffective P.I. who practically rips people off quickly becomes less endearing and more irritating. 🙄 Russell Crowe is, as ever, a timeless presence, anchoring his role with gruff gravitas, but even he couldn’t lift this sinking ship entirely. 🚢⬇️
The plot, or what semblance of one existed, felt like a bewildering game of hide-and-seek where our protagonists were constantly three steps behind. It was like Alice in Wonderland chasing the White Rabbit, except Alice was hammered, and the rabbit kept leading her into increasingly dangerous, yet ultimately pointless, situations. 🐇🌀 The central mystery, involving a girl named Amelia (the one in the yellow dress), quickly devolves into a convoluted mess. And in a moment that epitomized the film’s frustrating lack of narrative payoff, a hitman practically runs into Amelia and unceremoniously “ices” her while she’s attempting a cunning escape. 💥 It’s an anticlimactic, almost insulting resolution to what was supposed to be a core driving force.
Sure, there were fleeting moments of dark humor. Healy breaking March’s arm was a visceral, unexpected gag that landed. 😂 The absurd interaction between Healy and Holly (March’s daughter) over Yoo-Hoos offered a chuckle. But these were isolated incidents, sparks in a vast, dull void. ✨ The one-liners, touted as a highlight, were merely alright, certainly not strong enough to carry the weight of a film that was clearly struggling under its own pretensions. The character “Blue Face” felt less like a menacing villain and more like a cartoonish, moron hot-head, devoid of any genuine threat or interesting personality. 😡 His presence felt less like a narrative driver and more like an annoying distraction.
And what was the point of it all? To stop a porn film from being shown that implicated the auto industry? 🚗🎬 And it all boiled down to… Detroit?! The sheer banality of the grand conspiracy, after all the escalating violence and convoluted chases, was baffling. It was an odd pairing of over-the-top antics with an underwhelming central conflict, leaving me scratching my head more often than laughing. 🤷♂️
The truth is, for a film promising buddy-comedy brilliance, the dynamic between Gosling and Crowe, while certainly present, never quite gelled into the effortless, iconic chemistry required to elevate mediocre material. It felt less like a genuine comedic duo and more like two talented actors trying very hard to make it work. 😬
The best part of “The Nice Guys,” for this Cinesist, was the simple fact that it ended. 🎉🔚
CINESCORE DNA
SHOULD YOU WATCH THE NICE GUYS (2016)?
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